I'm Am Not Afraid

That is the name of one of my favorite Jill Scott songs. In the song she sings of not being afraid to be the woman her man needs. I once saw her sing the song live at a concert. The concert was on February 15, 2005. Juan took me for Valentine's day. But this was not just any Valentine's day, this was the Valentine's day after Juan and I called off or engagement and broke up. I am not sure why we decided to torture ourselves by going to see Jill Scott after we broke up especially since we got engaged after one of her concerts just 7 months before. But we did. And when Jill sang the song on that night she changed the lyrics and sang about not being afraid to face her fears and not afraid to lose her man when she knew something was wrong. Juan and I both cried.

Anyway, I am not having man troubles or anything, but all day that song has been in my head. Because right now I am afraid. New York is this wonderful, big, exciting, and scary place. But my fears come from being so responsible. I am the oldest of four girls who grew up with a single mom. I watched my mom struggle to put food on our table and to give us everything we ever wanted or needed. Because of that, I have worked so hard ever since I could work. I have always had a job. I always paid my bills and hate to have to ask for help from family or friends. So to not be working and getting little to no response to the applications and resumes I have been submitting is scary.

I guess this is what they call a crisis of Faith. So today I will turn that song around again, change the lyrics, and beef myself up for some positive thinking. I will not be afraid anymore. I can't let fear stand in the way of my blessings or in the way of loving this new experience.