It has been a year and . . .

. . . I honestly feel like I am right where I started. In a foreign place where I don't know people and have no idea what I will do here. The only difference is that the positivity of the unknown possibilities has passed me by.

I know I should not complain, I have a wonderful husband, a supportive family, great friends, and God has kept us wrapped in his arms since I got here to NY. But most of the wonderful things in my life are back home in California. They are living life without me. They are having birthdays, having babies, graduating from college and graduate programs, and I can only support them with a phone call. Home sickness has set in a in a scary way, and I don't know what to do. But moving back to CA is not an option.

My husband loves NY and has a disdain for CA for reasons I will never understand. He just thinks that NY is magical and has so much more to offer. I, on the other hand, have not figured out what is so damned special about this place. The NY I live in is not the Sex and the City NY or the Friends NY or any of the fun, sexy NY shows I have seen before. My NY is scrapping by, trying to find a job, not knowing when I can afford to go visit my family again, my husband's family looking at me as a foreigner and because he is "so independent" they forget we are even here and rarely invite us out with them, and only a handful of friends who I see very rarely.

I may not be cut out for this place. I don't like the public transportation. Driving is horrific because finding parking is damn near impossible unless you can afford a parking garage.

I can't say it has been all bad though. I took some modeling classes and learned a lot about the Plus Model industry. I volunteered for FFFWeek 2010 and am working on this year's event as an assistant. I was cast in a new musical last year (although it never went up) and was just cast for a staged reading later in 2011. But I am still unemployed. I am not even getting calls for theater jobs. No one wants me (at least no one who will pay me).

But marriage is about compromise, right? Give a little to get a little? So that is what I do as my second year in NY continues on and I pray it gets better.

Holidays are here

So I know it has been a while since I have posted anything. Not that I have not been busy, but I find it hard to post when I am going through it. Then I remember, that's why I started this blog. To talk about my experiences now that I have relocated and started a new life.

Today is November 23, 2010. Thanksgiving is just 2 days away. And while I have never been big on Thanksgiving, it is hard knowing I am spending this holiday so far away from my family and friends. But I have been so blessed to have the best husband a girl can ask for. He is going out of his way to make sure this holiday season is special for me.

First off, he is not a huge fan of the Christmas Season. Growing up it was not a fun time in his house so he doesn't get excited now. But he know that I love Christmas like a child, so he is getting excited for me. He is getting me a Christmas tree and we are going decor shopping this weekend. He even agreed to getting a sappy "First Christmas" ornament for our tree.

My family and I have decided to spend Christmas Skyping so I can be a part of the family celebration, but I am ready to start new traditions and love the family I have here with Juan.

I can't say that I am not sad about being so far away, but I am trying to embrace my new life.

On other news, I have decided to leave my part-time retail job. While I love the discount, the atmosphere was bringing me down and keeping me from seeking my real purpose here in NY. I mean I am still working part-time in some freelance positions and volunteering in different areas, but I want more and I have to focus on that to get it.

So much to think about, so much to experience, and so much to experience.

Caught Out in The Rain

So yesterday, an unexpected rain storm hit NY. There was thunder and lightening and a downpour that was so unexpected. I got off work at 8:00pm and went immediately to the subway. When I got to my stop, the downpour had begun and there was no turning back. I stood in the underground alcove for about 20 mins and the rain let up just a bit so I decided to go for it. I mean what else was I going to? But as I started to walk home, the down pour got stronger and hit me so hard. The trauma of this experience was multiplied by the fact that my cell phone has been out of order for over a week now and I could not even call my husband to see if he could pick me up.

All I could do was cry and walk. At one point I even stopped and yelled out, "I just want to go HOME." (The last time I cried that cry was when I lived in the dorms and realized that I lived with 3 other girls and I could not handle the personality differences anymore. In fact, I literally ran home to my mother's house that night.) I thought about how even when I did not have a car in Cali, the amount of walking that I did back home was so minimal. Seriously, even when I took the express bus home, I walked to my bus stop (20 yards from my office), got on the bus and got dropped off at the train station (another 30 feet from my car). When I got home I cried some more (because I was soaked through to my underwear and because my new cell phone that was supposed to come was not delivered), ate dinner, and then cried some more.

After sleeping off all the feelings I had, I woke up feeling guilty. I don't want to go back to Cali to live. I just want to feel more secure in my life here in NY. I also felt guilty because if home is where the heart is, NY is my home with Juan. But my heart is torn. I miss my family and friends. Then on the way home from work today, I remembered another rain storm from when I first moved to OC.

After our first day of school in the OC, my sisters and I had to walk home to our new apartment, that we had only walked to once from the bus stop with our mom before that day. That first day of school, it rained cats and dogs. And when we got to our bus stop in front of the school by our home, we got turned around. We went out the wrong exit and ended up a block and a half away from home. People drove by and sprayed water on us. At one point, Veronica sat down on the curb and refused to walk any more. After being lost for about 30 minutes, we finally found our way home.

That was a horrible day for my sisters and I. But now we talk about and laugh and remember that we had each other that day and we never got lost again after that. I survived that storm and I survived the storm last night. I am not ready to laugh yet at last night's experience, but I know I will be okay.

I love rainbows because of what they mean. God used rainbows to symbolize that He would never flood the earth again. But more than that, I look at them as a symbol that God does not send us storms that we cannot handle--in nature or in life. I am in need of a rainbow right now, but I know what God's promise is so I am living my life looking for rainbows.

The Journey Continues

It has been a long 2 months since I last posted. I have lots of ecuses why that is so, but the truth is this:

I wanted to write this blog to document this great adventure of moving to NY and all the wonderful new things I was experiencing. But the truth is that not all things that happen on an adventure are wonderful. Some are painful. Some are depressing. Some are hard to describe. But it is all a part of the adventure, right?

So I am back to writing. To capturing my life in words on my blog so that I remember and you get to live it with me.

The last two months have been spent looking for work. I mean I have done some other things like visit Juan's family in PA (his younger brother is having his second child any day now and one of his cousins is pregnant too), rehearsing for He'll Work it Out (the show had to be postponed from opening in September because the production staff needed to get reorganized, so I left the show), helping Juan push forward with the business (we were doing very well until fall started to set in this week, but we will be okay in that area), and trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life (I know what I love to do, but is there a career for it and if so how do I get into that career).

Not being able to find a job has really rocked me to the core. First off, I have a degree and 10+ years of management experience. But I don't know anyone in NY and finding a job is all about who you know not what you know. This is a lesson I have learned over and over again here. I feel like without a job I have no purpose, and without a purpose what am I good for? Juan keeps telling me that I am going to find something, but I just don't know anymore.

My good friend Jessica told me that she believes that God has not blessed me with a job because I am meant to use this time to go to school and get my cosmetology license. I love doing hair and makeup and getting my license would mean making money doing something I love. But I alos love fashion and I want to find my place in that world. So I have been praying on it and looking for guidance.

In the meantime, I went to an open house for the Plus Academy NY. The Plus Academy is a training program for new and aspiring plus models . At the open house, some former students spoke and some of the instructors spoke. Some have gone on to be successful models and others have found their place in other areas of plus fashion. So I decided, I need to go to the Plus Academy so I can figure out where I am meant to be.

The open house was held at one of my favorite retail stores and while I was there, I applied for a job and wass hired. So it was meant to be, right? I don't know. Yes, I know I was looking for work and was finally hired somewhere. And even part-time work is better than nothing. And I needed the money to pay for the Plus Academy and maybe start saving for cosmetology school. But I was not meant to do this type of work. The one thing that keeps me going is the discount (yes, I think I have spent my first paycheck already and I have not even gotten it) and the free stuff (yes, they have some good perks). So now I am struggling with whether or not it was meant to be, or me pushing the envelope of fate (its hiring season for retail). I guess only time will tell.

So now I am back to where I started, trying to find a job and figure out where I am supposed to be in this big city of dreams. I guess that I will just have to keep praying, keep applying, and keep feeling things out for what the best fit is. In the meantime, I am trying to find my worth outside of what I do. I am trying to figure out exactly who I am (even though I thought this happened when I was in college, then again after my first engagement broke off, and then again in the years when Juan was living in NY and I was in CA). Maybe seeing yourself clearly is a life long search and you just have to be happy with what you know.

Back in NY

It has been a while since I have written. So much happen in so little time I got a little overwhelmed. But it is over now. Well really it's just beginning. On July 3, 2010, I got married to my best friend, the love of my life, Juan.

I wish I could say that the wedding went off without a hitch, but that would be a lie. And why write if I am going to lie about what happens in my life. My friends and family were all there and most of the stress ended the day of the wedding the way it should. Unfortunately, there was some drama. I can't really go into details because I don't know the cause of the drama that occurred. All I know is that my mother-in-law at one point during the reception started to cry and threatened to leave. Then my husband and his brother almost got into a fist fight. My mom and dad went outside to smooth things over with my mother-in-law and my husband's best friend worked on Juan and his brother. All of this caused me to have a bit of a breakdown. But it all worked out the night of the wedding and we had a nice rest of the night.

But somehow, even though things seemed worked out at the end of the wedding, we left California with even more tension between us and my husband's family. Again, I have no idea what happened or what I may have done wrong, but they are not speaking to me and the words that have been said are not nice ones.

I talked to a friend today about it and she reminded me to pray first and let God lead me where He will in this situation. So I did and the answer I am getting right now is that I have just gotten married, moved across the country, and have so much other stuff going on, all I can think about right now is that. I will focus on my new marriage and my new life and in time everything else will be worked out in God's time.

So other than the negative, the wedding was wonderful. We had a great time and have some beautiful photos to prove it. Now it's time to return to the grind. I have to find a job, learn my lines and songs for the show I am in, and get my home in order. Everything else is in God's hands.

Going Home

I have been in California for a week. And it was crazy busy. Between celebrating my sisters' graduation achievements and preparing for this wedding, I am just so tired. But I got a lot done while I was here.

We finalized the bridal shower plans, we hashed out the wedding and reception plans, we found the location for wedding photos, we ordered favors for the receptions, and I found my dress. But more importantly, I found the answer to a question that I have been asking myself for a little while now.

New York, not California is my home now. I miss my family and friends when I am gone, but I was meant to be in NYC. It is hard to say if it has more to do with Juan or the fact that I feel inspired and like everything is possible for me there.

I won't lie and say everything in NY is easy. In fact it's exactly the opposite. Juan and I struggle and I am still trying to find my place there. But struggling together and seeing what is out there if I take the right chances and make the right choices is exciting.

I did not realize that I felt this way about NY until I was visiting my old job on Thursday night. I saw some of the staff and one asked me how I was doing. I answered "I'm good." And he said back, "You look happy."

Since I got back people have commented that I look good because I have lost weight or that I just look good in general, but when he said that I looked happy I knew that was what was different.

I am happy. Being with the one person in the world that you really love and want to live with for the rest of your life makes you happy. No it brings you joy. And that feels good. I hope I continue to wear that happiness on my face for the rest of my life.

Going Back to Cali

So I am super excited because in just 3 days I am going to visit California. I never thought I would be so happy to go back so soon. But I miss my family and friends. Also, my sister both just finished their programs in school and are graduating. I want to celebrate with them.

Today I spent the day online talking with my mom and her friend about wedding plans. More specifically about centerpieces. It is crazy how something as simple as centerpieces for my simple backyard summer barbecue wedding can get so out of hand. I was trying to stay out of it all so that I don't get all stressed out if things don't go my way, but today I got involved. My best friend reminded me that I am super creative and I could find ways to decorate for cheap that would also be beautiful. She was right. I got online found options to make centerpieces for about $4 a table. And with my girlfriends and sisters, I have tons of help to knock out putting the pieces together in no time.

The whole experience got me pumped. I now know that I have to be a little more involved and I have to use my creative side to make things work the way I want and to lessen the stress on my Mommy.

All of a sudden, I am looking forward to my wedding the way I should have been the whole time.

I leave for California on Friday morning and my mom and I are going shopping for my dress and centerpieces and cake. I also have a bunch of hanging out to do with my sisters and girlfriends and my dad. I know this trip will be exhausting, but I can't wait. And I look forward to missing Juan while I am gone. This is all new to me, but so wonderful.