It's also slightly crazy because I have never put myself out there like this before. I mean yes, my friends and family support me in everything I do. But to ask other people to do it and even go so far as having my ex make a supportive post on Facebook. Letting people who don't know me judge me on my looks is scary and exciting and so many emotions all wrapped up into one.
I talked to Juan about it today. He is so supportive he got on the phone with his family and forwarded them all the message. He reminded me of something I had forgotten. When Juan used to tell me I was beautiful I would ask him why. He would point things out to me and I would go and look in the mirror to see what he saw. When we broke up 5 years ago, I had to start to see the attractive traits in myself and believe in them. At that time, I started to take pride in my talents (my work, my designs, my jewelry, my singing, my acting) because no matter what I looked like, I had my talents.
I always decided that my beauty was dependent on my size, but I never placed that same standard on other people. I admired big, beautiful women who did not let their size stop them from being seen as beautiful, sexy, and as fashion icons. In the last few years I have decided to get to know myself better and see myself through other people's eyes and find my own worth and beauty. And I am finally coming into my own to where I can feel like I can put myself out there to be judged and not only be okay with it, but I now know that what other people see doesn't make or break me. And at any size, I can be beautiful.
When my big sister, Amber, reads this I know what she is going to say. "Better late than never." That's what she tells me every time I start talking about stuff like this.
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