1 month

So it has been a month and I have survived. Better than survived, I am doing really well here. This week was the first time since I got here that I really missed being in California. But I have to be honest, I don't if I miss California or knowing that I have so much support in California.

The hardest part of being here is not having a job, so I have to be very careful with the money I spend and what I do. Take today for instance, Juan and I were in the city and there was this charming hat stand. The vendor placed the most perfect hat on my head. In his words, "A hat with a dramatic flare for a girl who likes a touch of the drama." It was beautiful on, but it was $90. When I was employed, that still would have been a lot for me justify, but I might have gotten it (or the $60 everyday version of the hat that was also beautiful) and then figured things out later. So I guess this is teaching me discipline. I don't know. I do know it is stressing me out a bit.

The thing is that with all the stress of not knowing what the future holds, I think I have fallen more in love with Juan. He has been so supportive and so encouraging and so loving. I can't even really put it all into words, but he has been a God-send. I am blessed to have him in my life.

I volunteered for FFFWeek again yesterday. They were having another model casting and I was asked to volunteer again. I had more fun this time and connected with the two other volunteers for the day--LaToya and Tiffany. After the casting we went shopping in the cit for a bit and talked. These seem to be some fun girls. I hope we continue to connect and hang.

So what are my thoughts one month into this adventure--Can't wait for the next month of making NY my home.

New York People are Different

I just wanted to make a quick post about an experience I had a few weeks ago. But I have to preface this story with some background information.

Most people know that in my last job I was a Customer Service Manager. But I was a CS Manager in the entertainment industry. While there were times that the complaints that were valid and needed to be addressed, most of the things I handled were people not being happy with their entertainment choices (as if I had any control over whether or not they will enjoy a show) even when they did not do their homework to find out what they were going to see.

Well the most entertaining complaints that came in were usually complaints that were pretty biased in nature (not wanting to deal with homosexual themes or race, or sex period), but the people complaining were very careful to never say anything that was blatantly bigoted. Instead they blamed their feelings on the way the themes were presented. And the complaints always started like this, "I'm not a racist, but . . ." "I'm not homophobic, but . . ." "I'm not a prude, but . . ." And I always found this entertaining.

Well I was in the nail salon waiting to get a manicure and pedicure. I was a walk-in so I expected to have to wait. After waiting for about half an hour, I was called to a station. About 10 minutes into my pedicure an older (Jewish) woman, who obviously has a lot of money based on all the real jewels she was wearing and the authentic Birkin bag on her arm, comes into the salon. She spoke to the owner and then got loud. She was 30 minutes late for her appointment and did not understand why they gave her appointment to me. When they told her she would have to wait another 15 minutes to be seen, she came over and told me that lazy black people are always stealing from her and that's why she hates black people and then followed it with "or spanish, or Haitian or whatever you are". I just laughed.

What I took from this experience, comparing it to the ones I had in Cali of the same nature is that people in California are not nicer than people in New York, they just pretend to be. Maybe its all that Hollywood influenced political correctness.

FFFWeek Cover Model

I did something crazy. I entered myself in a contest to become the face of Full Figure Fashion Week. It's crazy because I waited so long to enter that there is only a week for my friends and family to vote for me and spread the word.

It's also slightly crazy because I have never put myself out there like this before. I mean yes, my friends and family support me in everything I do. But to ask other people to do it and even go so far as having my ex make a supportive post on Facebook. Letting people who don't know me judge me on my looks is scary and exciting and so many emotions all wrapped up into one.

I talked to Juan about it today. He is so supportive he got on the phone with his family and forwarded them all the message. He reminded me of something I had forgotten. When Juan used to tell me I was beautiful I would ask him why. He would point things out to me and I would go and look in the mirror to see what he saw. When we broke up 5 years ago, I had to start to see the attractive traits in myself and believe in them. At that time, I started to take pride in my talents (my work, my designs, my jewelry, my singing, my acting) because no matter what I looked like, I had my talents.

I always decided that my beauty was dependent on my size, but I never placed that same standard on other people. I admired big, beautiful women who did not let their size stop them from being seen as beautiful, sexy, and as fashion icons. In the last few years I have decided to get to know myself better and see myself through other people's eyes and find my own worth and beauty. And I am finally coming into my own to where I can feel like I can put myself out there to be judged and not only be okay with it, but I now know that what other people see doesn't make or break me. And at any size, I can be beautiful.

When my big sister, Amber, reads this I know what she is going to say. "Better late than never." That's what she tells me every time I start talking about stuff like this.

I'm Am Not Afraid

That is the name of one of my favorite Jill Scott songs. In the song she sings of not being afraid to be the woman her man needs. I once saw her sing the song live at a concert. The concert was on February 15, 2005. Juan took me for Valentine's day. But this was not just any Valentine's day, this was the Valentine's day after Juan and I called off or engagement and broke up. I am not sure why we decided to torture ourselves by going to see Jill Scott after we broke up especially since we got engaged after one of her concerts just 7 months before. But we did. And when Jill sang the song on that night she changed the lyrics and sang about not being afraid to face her fears and not afraid to lose her man when she knew something was wrong. Juan and I both cried.

Anyway, I am not having man troubles or anything, but all day that song has been in my head. Because right now I am afraid. New York is this wonderful, big, exciting, and scary place. But my fears come from being so responsible. I am the oldest of four girls who grew up with a single mom. I watched my mom struggle to put food on our table and to give us everything we ever wanted or needed. Because of that, I have worked so hard ever since I could work. I have always had a job. I always paid my bills and hate to have to ask for help from family or friends. So to not be working and getting little to no response to the applications and resumes I have been submitting is scary.

I guess this is what they call a crisis of Faith. So today I will turn that song around again, change the lyrics, and beef myself up for some positive thinking. I will not be afraid anymore. I can't let fear stand in the way of my blessings or in the way of loving this new experience.

FFFWeek

I am so excited. Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a passion for all things fashion and entertainment. And more than anything, I love anything that promotes plus size girls looking good. I have said before that no matter what size I am, it is my goal in life to teach plus size girls how to dress in a manner that is flattering to their size and make them feel good about themselves. So I was super excited when I found out that New York has a Full Figured Fashion Week in June, and I could buy tickets. I even decided that I would go with or without Juan (and that's a big thing for me to say I would travel into the city alone).

As I searched the website to learn about the events of the week, I found a volunteer page. So I applied. Why not, right? I mean it would give me the opportunity to be right in the middle of everything I love. After I submitted the application (which required a photo) I got a response thanking me and it said they would be in touch. I figured that would be the end of it. I mean they probably have people they work with and if I got contacted, it would be sometime closer to the event in June.

Well last night, I was sitting here eating dinner (on the floor in the living room because we still don;t have any furniture :) ) and I got an email asking for a few volunteers to work a model casting this weekend. I jumped on it. I mean to be there in the thick of it--even if that mean just passing out forms to model chicks for 3 hours--is what I want more than anything. I was one of the first to reply and will be working this weekend. I am really looking forward to helping out and maybe there will be more pre-event opportunities for me to volunteer and get to know the world of Full Figured Fashion.

Week 2 Part 2

So this week I learned more about myself than I did about New York. I learned how easily I will put what I want to the side to let others be happy. But that is not a bad thing. In fact, I realize it's just who I am and I am happy about who I am.

As I previously discussed, Mommy wanted to change our plans for getting married to having Juan and I come out to California to have a wedding. Well she talked to Juan and he agreed. And then my mom ran with it. Before the week ended I had a wedding planning committee (my mom, my aunt, and my "other" mom), a bridal shower planner (one of my besties), and a wedding date that is only 4 months away. I have picked out bridal party dresses , groomsmen attire, a veil, flowers, and started designing a dress with my girlfriend, Jessica, for me. Only a week ago, I was going to the court house to get married. WOW.

And as much as I have had a vision of what that day should be like in my mind for years, all I really want is to marry Juan and let my mom have her fun planning the wedding.

Juan has become a typical man during this experience. He either doesn't care or he completely disagrees with a decision I have made without offering an alternative. I have come to just ignore him or kiss him and ask again in a sweeter tone to make him change his mind. It has worked on some things but not others.

The hardest part is registering for gifts. This should be so much easier. It should be like a shopping spree. You know, whoo hoo let's pick stiff for other people to spend money on. But instead it's hours of looking at descriptions of products trying to figure out which one is better and what really separates the $100 blender from the $45 blender if the descriptions are identical. And Juan is so particular about kitchen appliances I just want to throw my hands up and tell people, "Can't you just send us money?" But having the money would not help because we would still have to narrow down the options to what we really want.

I have been job searching, a lot, and I don't know how people do this. I finally understand why I got so many applications across my desk at my last job from people who came from other fields who were willing to do anything to start working again. It is a full time job and I spend about that much time online and in person filling out applications and sending resumes. I just hope it all pans out for the best. Prayer, diligence, and faith will get me through this time.

God willing, everything will come through as planned.

Random Thoughts

There are so many things that we take for granted every day. I don’t mean the things that we take for granted like food, a warm shower, and a roof over your head. I am not homeless in the least, and I do not take it for granted that if not for the grace of God, I could be homeless and dirty and hungry. But I have taken some of our normal luxuries for granted.

A microwave oven: Juan and I went shopping last week in PA for the home essentials. We spent so many hours in Target, Wal-Mart, and K-Mart that I wanted to kill myself and Juan. By Thursday night, we had everything except a microwave oven and pots and pans. But we figured 1) we did have a frying pan and a pot that Juan’s grandmother gave us, 2) we could get the microwave in the city, and 3) the car was full to capacity anyway. So we headed home.

When we got home we had leftovers and they were cold. No biggie, right? Wrong, the frying pan we currently own has a bump in the center of the pan and the sides go down. So it cooks only in the center of the pan but when you put butter or oil in the pan it goes off to the side where food doesn’t cook. But we were diligent and we warmed up our Arroz con Gandules and Pernil.

On Saturday we bought extra pot that fit our little vegetable steamer/strainer. Now in order to warm up food we put everything in the steamer and steam the food until it is warm. Don’t get me wrong, this is probably a much healthier way to eat and warm up food, but it takes more than 10 minutes to do it. Honestly, I can whip up a meal in that time. But you can’t let food go bad in the fridge or Juan starts to complain about wasted money.

However, I am proud to say, that I ordered a microwave online and it came today. I am not even hungry right now but I kind of want to warm something up just to show my appreciation to that wonderful machine.

Mirrors: There is one mirror in my apartment. Yes I said one. It is in the bathroom under a light fixture that would be perfect for applying makeup with my “daylight” light bulbs—if it worked. But I don’t care about that. I have actually gotten very good at applying my makeup in the bathroom then taking my purse mirror to the window in our bedroom to check out the evenness of my application. What has begun to drive me crazy is that the outlets in the bathroom don’t work very well. They power up whatever you plug in, but not to the correct power level because of a wiring issue that causes the hall light outside the bathroom to come on when you plug something in.

So in order to do the things that I must do at times like flat iron or blow dry my hair, I have to do it in my bedroom. Currently, the only mirror I have available to me there is the one I carry in my purse. But I am a woman who will not be held back by a little thing like not having a mirror. I have taken to using the built in web cam on my computer as a mirror to do my hair. It works, except that the image is inverted and sometimes that confuses me.

Unlike the microwave though, I have not found just the right mirror online, and Juan doesn’t see the urgency in my need for a mirror, so I have not gotten one yet. Don’t be alarmed though. On Friday, when Juan does not have class and we have to move the car for street sweeping anyway, I will be making a trip to Ikea.

Now there are other things like not having internet or cable yet that I won’t even go into right now, but that is not to say that I am not happy. This is an experience unlike anything I could ever have imagined and I would not trade it for anything in the world. One day I will have serious “hardship” stories to tell my children and grandchildren. And they won’t believe me and I will point them to my blog and my pictures and video from the early days of Juan and I.

Week 2 Part 1

So week two. . . I guess reality is starting to set in that I have really done this. I have moved across the country. Well so far this week I have learned that people who do not work and just sit around have more patience than I could ever even pray for. In fact, I would not even pray for that. Now, I am not talking about stay at home mothers or people who work from home. If I had my sewing machine, my dress form, and a small table to work on, I would be set right now. I plan to get creative this week and make some jewelry pieces in between visiting the city and applying for jobs. I miss my creative time right now.

As expected, getting engaged has my mother all fired up. This is what I know: Before Juan asked me, he spoke to my mother and made plans. The plans as I know then were for us to get married (like ASAP) here in New York in the presence of our parents. Then we could celebrate with everyone else at a later date. Once I started telling people about the engagement (or more accurately my mother started telling people before I even knew about it) my family decided they wanted to be here for the event. Then when I told my girlfriends, they were all thinking the same thing—if we can afford it we want to be there. So now, this small exchanging of vows has turned into a full blown wedding or something.

Last night, my mother called to ask if I would be opposed to them flying Juan and I out to California and us getting married in the back yard. Apparently, if the family pitches in, it is cheaper to throw us a wedding than to fly to NY and get a hotel and blah, blah, blah. While I would love that idea, Juan and my mom were the ones who worked out this plan in the first place. I told her to call Juan and leave me out of it.

Honestly, I would love to be able to get married in California with all my family and friends with us but I really just want to be Mrs. Juan R. It is what I have wanted since I was 15 years old. It’s silly but in my heart I have been committed to him for so long I just want to make it official.

We will see.

Week 1

My first week on the east coast

I have learned so much this week. For example: in New York you cannot make a right turn on red unless it is posted, New Yorkers are not meaner than Californians they are just way more honest than Californians, Costco in New York is a bad idea, and the buildings that you rent apartments in control the heat and it only comes on when the temperature gets low enough (but the temperature is always low enough for me to want it on).

So, Monday night my plane got in late and Juan and I just came back to our empty apartment and went to sleep. I was pleasantly surprised that our apartment is a really nice size. The bathroom is a little tight fit, but the rooms are open and spacious (of course that could be because we have no furnitureJ). There are hardwood floors and high ceilings. I love it here. Partly because it’s my apartment with Juan and partly because of the potential I see in this place. I just have to remind Juan that I am really good at interior decorating and space planning. He wants a say in everything and that make life a little difficult at times.

On Tuesday we headed to Pennsylvania to take Juan’s brother, Rio, and cousin, Josh, to a 76ers game. The game was fun but more than that I had fun getting to know the boys and becoming a real part of the family. The rest of our 3 day trip was spent buying the essentials for our apartment. And $600 later we came home to Brooklyn Thursday night. On the way home, Juan and I had the most wonderfully unexpected conversation ever—but more on that later.

Friday and Saturday were spent cleaning and prepping the apartment. Nothing is really done yet and so much more is needed, but it is getting there. Sunday we spent the day at Juan’s Aunt Michelle’s home in Stanton Island. This house was unbelievable. It extended from one street to the other, 4 stories, a children’s playground in the backyard, a two car garage in the far back with a parking area for 3 cars next to the front door, 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a children’s playroom, and a workout room. Juan’s aunt apparently doesn’t cook, so Easter dinner was catered. We had Italian food which was wonderful, but I have to admit I was craving some Pernil and Arroz con Gandules. Juan’s cousins are awesome. They are polite and cute and spoiled to death, but I loved them.

So, back to Thursday night. On the way home, Juan and I started talking about life and stuff and he started talking about marriage. He started telling me that the reason he wanted me to join him out here was to start our lives together and a part of that would be making me his wife. He said that as the time got closer to me moving and the more he called me his fiancé to the real estate agent and the building owner the more he realized he wanted that to be real. Then he asked if I wanted to marry him. I said of course I do. He then said that he was thinking we should get married on our anniversary, April 20. I was taken aback by this suggestion and asked him if he was crazy or if this was a cruel April Fool’s joke. He laughed and said no, but he had put some serious thought into it and this was what he wanted. He then said I should call my mom and talk to her about it. I told him I could not talk to my parents before he talked to my parents if he was serious because they are such traditionalist and they would want him to call them and ask them first. He just laughed again and told me to call my mom because he talked to her on Monday while I was on the plane. I knew he was serious then and I just started to cry.

Juan then turned to me and asked me to be his wife. I was still a little shaken by this sudden turn of events and replied, “If you really mean it, ask me again in the morning and I will say yes.” On Friday afternoon, Juan came into the bathroom while I was combing my hair and asked me again. I said yes.

We don’t have a ring yet, but we just got an apartment and no furniture, so I’m not upset at all. We will see what happens though. And no, we are not going to get married on April 20. We are going to wait a little bit because even if we have the smallest exchange of vows ever, I want a dress and my parents to be present. I promise to keep everyone up to date on the plans and details.