Caught Out in The Rain

So yesterday, an unexpected rain storm hit NY. There was thunder and lightening and a downpour that was so unexpected. I got off work at 8:00pm and went immediately to the subway. When I got to my stop, the downpour had begun and there was no turning back. I stood in the underground alcove for about 20 mins and the rain let up just a bit so I decided to go for it. I mean what else was I going to? But as I started to walk home, the down pour got stronger and hit me so hard. The trauma of this experience was multiplied by the fact that my cell phone has been out of order for over a week now and I could not even call my husband to see if he could pick me up.

All I could do was cry and walk. At one point I even stopped and yelled out, "I just want to go HOME." (The last time I cried that cry was when I lived in the dorms and realized that I lived with 3 other girls and I could not handle the personality differences anymore. In fact, I literally ran home to my mother's house that night.) I thought about how even when I did not have a car in Cali, the amount of walking that I did back home was so minimal. Seriously, even when I took the express bus home, I walked to my bus stop (20 yards from my office), got on the bus and got dropped off at the train station (another 30 feet from my car). When I got home I cried some more (because I was soaked through to my underwear and because my new cell phone that was supposed to come was not delivered), ate dinner, and then cried some more.

After sleeping off all the feelings I had, I woke up feeling guilty. I don't want to go back to Cali to live. I just want to feel more secure in my life here in NY. I also felt guilty because if home is where the heart is, NY is my home with Juan. But my heart is torn. I miss my family and friends. Then on the way home from work today, I remembered another rain storm from when I first moved to OC.

After our first day of school in the OC, my sisters and I had to walk home to our new apartment, that we had only walked to once from the bus stop with our mom before that day. That first day of school, it rained cats and dogs. And when we got to our bus stop in front of the school by our home, we got turned around. We went out the wrong exit and ended up a block and a half away from home. People drove by and sprayed water on us. At one point, Veronica sat down on the curb and refused to walk any more. After being lost for about 30 minutes, we finally found our way home.

That was a horrible day for my sisters and I. But now we talk about and laugh and remember that we had each other that day and we never got lost again after that. I survived that storm and I survived the storm last night. I am not ready to laugh yet at last night's experience, but I know I will be okay.

I love rainbows because of what they mean. God used rainbows to symbolize that He would never flood the earth again. But more than that, I look at them as a symbol that God does not send us storms that we cannot handle--in nature or in life. I am in need of a rainbow right now, but I know what God's promise is so I am living my life looking for rainbows.

The Journey Continues

It has been a long 2 months since I last posted. I have lots of ecuses why that is so, but the truth is this:

I wanted to write this blog to document this great adventure of moving to NY and all the wonderful new things I was experiencing. But the truth is that not all things that happen on an adventure are wonderful. Some are painful. Some are depressing. Some are hard to describe. But it is all a part of the adventure, right?

So I am back to writing. To capturing my life in words on my blog so that I remember and you get to live it with me.

The last two months have been spent looking for work. I mean I have done some other things like visit Juan's family in PA (his younger brother is having his second child any day now and one of his cousins is pregnant too), rehearsing for He'll Work it Out (the show had to be postponed from opening in September because the production staff needed to get reorganized, so I left the show), helping Juan push forward with the business (we were doing very well until fall started to set in this week, but we will be okay in that area), and trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life (I know what I love to do, but is there a career for it and if so how do I get into that career).

Not being able to find a job has really rocked me to the core. First off, I have a degree and 10+ years of management experience. But I don't know anyone in NY and finding a job is all about who you know not what you know. This is a lesson I have learned over and over again here. I feel like without a job I have no purpose, and without a purpose what am I good for? Juan keeps telling me that I am going to find something, but I just don't know anymore.

My good friend Jessica told me that she believes that God has not blessed me with a job because I am meant to use this time to go to school and get my cosmetology license. I love doing hair and makeup and getting my license would mean making money doing something I love. But I alos love fashion and I want to find my place in that world. So I have been praying on it and looking for guidance.

In the meantime, I went to an open house for the Plus Academy NY. The Plus Academy is a training program for new and aspiring plus models . At the open house, some former students spoke and some of the instructors spoke. Some have gone on to be successful models and others have found their place in other areas of plus fashion. So I decided, I need to go to the Plus Academy so I can figure out where I am meant to be.

The open house was held at one of my favorite retail stores and while I was there, I applied for a job and wass hired. So it was meant to be, right? I don't know. Yes, I know I was looking for work and was finally hired somewhere. And even part-time work is better than nothing. And I needed the money to pay for the Plus Academy and maybe start saving for cosmetology school. But I was not meant to do this type of work. The one thing that keeps me going is the discount (yes, I think I have spent my first paycheck already and I have not even gotten it) and the free stuff (yes, they have some good perks). So now I am struggling with whether or not it was meant to be, or me pushing the envelope of fate (its hiring season for retail). I guess only time will tell.

So now I am back to where I started, trying to find a job and figure out where I am supposed to be in this big city of dreams. I guess that I will just have to keep praying, keep applying, and keep feeling things out for what the best fit is. In the meantime, I am trying to find my worth outside of what I do. I am trying to figure out exactly who I am (even though I thought this happened when I was in college, then again after my first engagement broke off, and then again in the years when Juan was living in NY and I was in CA). Maybe seeing yourself clearly is a life long search and you just have to be happy with what you know.